Amanda

The Voice.
By: Carla Sierra.

You wake up. Its 12:30 in the morning, as usual, you are sleeping more than you should. You look around you, and you wish you could just fall and sleep all day long, but you have to get up because you are young and you have to live life, if not you will regret it.
You, You You.

Stop that, stop it, I dont want to hear you anymore. I get up from my bed with the usual welcome of that voice in my head telling me all the things I know are true, but I just don´t want to hear it.
I look at my face in the mirror. You look like shit the voice tells me. I know. I know.

¿What happened to me?, I used to be pretty, now I just feel ugly, fat and like Im much older than what I really am.
Maybe you should care more for yourself, the voice tells me. Maybe I should. Maybe I should.
¿What happened to my life?, I have to live, ¿Am I living?
All those questions I hate. Hate so much.

It can´t be just all the problems I have, I just stopped caring for many things I cared before, like myself, like my future.
I wanted to do eveything, I wanted to be someone. What is happening that Im just giving up?. I dont like the way I feel.
Amanda used to be someone everyone looked when she entered a room, Amanda used to be someone that people admired for her convictions and goals. Amanda used to be someone I liked. I just dont like myself right now.

But Im not doing anything to change, Im not doing anything to go back to the old and great Amanda.
Its been a tough life. Its been a tough year, and a tough month and weeks and hours and minutes and this very seconds of the life of Amanda are really tough, they suck. Amanda sucks.

¿You like to feel this way? The voice makes me this question.
I don´t.
Change. It answers.
I cant, I say.
You can. She insists.
I cant, I shout.
You can, and you will. She orders.
Who are you to tell me what to do, you dont know me. I shout again.
I do know you, she says.
No you dont. You dont exist. I say whispering.

There is a silence, I breathe, My reflection is staring at me.

I do know you , I say, I am you. Now. Change. The reflection is talking, I am talking.
I am the voice.



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